| I think I'll go to Boston, I think that I'm just tired |
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[18 Mar 2009|07:42pm] |
I probably should have posted this already... forgive me
I had my son, Elias Gabriel, on March 5th at 11:41 pm
He was 6lbs 7oz.
He looks just like daddy.
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[16 Jan 2009|05:17pm] |
I no longer feel the ability to express myself in any written way. Not words, or music.
I fear I am losing myself.
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[05 Nov 2008|09:23am] |
I'm having a boy!!!
His name will be Caden Samuel!
It's a long story on why not Lysander Jordan... basically, his personality doesn't fit. I know who my kids are already and this is definately Caden.
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[22 Jul 2008|08:57am] |
Just in case you didn't read facebook or myspace...
I'm pregnant.
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[12 Jun 2008|11:42pm] |
I feel as though I can never do right. I somehow misconstrue something. Infer feelings that aren't there. Hear words that aren't really implied. Push people and ideas farther away. I just don't know when it will end. And if you'll still love me before it does.
And no, this isn't an invitation for you to rip me to shreds.
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[04 Jun 2008|10:20pm] |
Life isn't as bad as I make it seem.
This is the only place to get out my aggression without hurting my husband.
I can't wait to have a baby with that man.
Oh... and when I said previously that I wasn't preggy. We are almost positive that I was... and I had a miscarriage. :::sigh:::
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[23 May 2008|07:45am] |
My heart aches.
And I know not what to do.
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[07 May 2008|02:31am] |
Funny that the blog question would be on this topic. Yes. Someone has done something so terrible to me that "I'm sorry" couldn't cut it. That person was me. Sad thing is, I'm not the only one that I have done it to.
I think there are some things in this life that we cannot escape. Some things will forever stick with us. Eternally haunt us. Some times it is someone else. Or what someone else has done to us. Or to another. But, mostly, it is what we have done ourselves. Maybe how we hurt someone. Maybe how we hurt ourselves. Maybe both. Maybe all of these things. But, still, I believe some of us will never get away from it.
I believe that I am most definately one of these people. And, I believe, with everything inside of me, that I will never love myself. That I will forever see flaws. Imperdections that I cannot forgive. And I fear, that these feelings will be the death of me. Not so much as killing myself. Just... eating away at my soul until I am nothing left. Raping myself of everything I hold dear. Losing all that I love, because, heh, ironically, I cannot love.
I am terrified.
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[04 May 2008|12:59am] |
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You know, sometimes I really don't like people. They piss me off to no end. Sometimes they are random strangers. Others, friends. My husband. My cats. Even myself. But, God, they annoy me.
So, we got a new couch. We're getting a computer and washer/dryer. Fun! Ben bought me orchids because I let him get Halo 3 for the XBox360 his brother gave us. Umm...
Most importantly, we are trying to have a baby! Yes. Babies. We had previously thought that I was pregnant, but I wasn't. And when we found out the news that I wasn't, we were very, very disappointed. So, we decided to start trying.
That's all for now.
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| Yeah, yeah. I'm back. |
[15 Apr 2008|12:27am] |
I'm so sad. Just utterly sad. But so is the story of Jenna, eh? I honestly don't know why I have ever wanted to move to California. Why I wanted to live even a moment of my life out here. It's awful. Horrible. I am so homesick. Just for the feeling of knowing where I am. And what is around me. Just for the fact that I can go virtually anywhere back home and know someone.
That's not the only reason I'm sad. Sure I miss Carrie, Cherry Ski, Steak N Shake, and Andria's. But, shit, I just feel like I am doing nothing with my life. Mostly because... I'm not.
Pitiful existence. Typical me.
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[10 Oct 2007|01:38am] |
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My insomnia is back. Has been for a while. It left in March... returned in August. No longer could I sleep. My mind was racing forward a month. Preparing itself for little sleep. Preparing itself for this. One day not too long ago, I got 3 hours of sleep. It didn't phase me the whole day. Then, I heard his voice... scratchy and bruised, but still his voice... and slumber hit fast. And hard. I had not slept that well since July 31st. My heart was at peace. That one night. Oh, how I long to have my cure to insomnia back. People are worried, but I know why it is gone. And precisely when it shall return. God, I miss him so. I could cry myself to sleep... if only I was alone... such is life.
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[26 Sep 2007|02:08am] |
I miss Ben. I miss him bad.
I don't even know where to begin. I have no idea. So much stuff is happening around me. I know that it's supposed to happen... I'm going to grow stronger. I'm going to learn. But right now, I'd rather just have him here. Honestly, I need him to just hold me. I need to cry. I have no where to cry.
I'm out of a room bc the grandparents are here. I'm in Jen's room. I can't cry there. I'd be crazy to cry in the bathroom. I just... feel alone. Bridget helps, a lot. She's my new friend I met through a boot camp forum. But, I don't have anyone here. I just hurt.
I can't even sum up this. Some days aren't bad. I miss him, yes. But it's not always painful. It's painful now because of everything. It's painful now because I know it's going to get worse. I just feel it. I'm going to grow and change and learn... but Lord, it's gonna be rough... and it's gonna hurt.
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[17 Sep 2007|08:02pm] |
I am terribly bored. Time is passing far too slowly. I canot even believe I have to wait another 79 days till I can even see my husband. Then it's only for 5 hours... then I have to wait till the next damn day. Then finally.... FINALLY he can be in my arms.
I shipped a package off to him today. Overnight. Hopefully he gets it soon. I can't wait to hear from him. I am beyond going out of my mind. I am so jealous of him. Ben has things to occupy his days! And then he's so tired he falls right asleep at night! While I toss and turn. Can only stay asleep 5 hours max. I can't find anything to do during the day. I can't even eat! Sitting here now... I've had 2 popsciles and half a tiny piece of pizza. I'm not even hungry.
God, I miss him.
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[12 Sep 2007|10:13am] |
So, before Ben left, he was working for this man, Brother Goodwin, who went to church for him. He rarely went but when he did, he got 16 bucks an hour for yardwork, office work, etc. Well, the last two days of work, I went with him, not expecting to be paid. I just wanted to spend every moment possible with him. Well, they asked me if I could work for them while he's gone. With cuts in hours at American Eagle, this was great. Especially since I filled out about 16 applications for resturants to add on as a second job. Ben said to keep busy and working for the Goodwins seemed to be the perfect answer.
I called yesterday, got no answer. So, I just called and they are out of town and I won't be able to start working till tomorrow. So, poo. Well, I call work, hoping they'll use my call in, they don't. Great. Jen's at school. Mom is gone? I dunno where to. Dad is in DC. I am alone. With the dogs. And of course, Ben on my mind.
For some foolish reason, I believed Gunny Jackson when he told me Ben might get a chance to call from the airport. And then believing both Gunny Jackson, and SSgt Clausell that he would call when he first gets there. 15 seconds to say, "This is Recruit Gripp. I've made it to San Diego safely. Thank you for your support. Brains." We even made the "Brains" as a code word for I love you. So, part of me just wants to wait for that. But i feel it's not going to happen.
I guess I'm going to throw on some workout clothes and go bike riding. I don't realyl like to exercise. I don't go to the gym. But Ben wanted me in a routine, so he figured bike riding would be best. God, I miss him already.
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[11 Sep 2007|10:08am] |
So, Ben was supposed to leave yesterday right?
I drove him to the recruits' station. And then I got pizza and headed to his hotel. I got there, we hung out till 9:30. I cried. He cried. It was very emotional. We got to the car and cried. And sang. And had a great goodbye kiss.
He calls me on the phone while I'm going to Liz's since he gets thirty minutes free to call whomever. His roommate gets the same but was using his. So, I'm almost to the Pizza Haus exit and Ben goes "Oh, Jenna. You forgot to give me the 20 bucks for bootcamp."
...........
Srsly. I am dumb. So I had to try to remember the way back. I drop off the money. And we have to say goodbye again. Like the first time wasn't hard enough. He calls me again. I get to Liz's. We say goodbye. I cry a little and then Lizzieface and I hang out until we go to sleep.
I can't sleep so I write him this long letter about how much I miss him and how proud I am of him.
At a bit before 8 in the morning, I wake up because I could've SWORN I heard him call my name. But clearly, he did not. We get up, get ready. Then, Liz and I go to her Music Class. Her teacher remarks on my Marine shirt. He used to work for the Marine Band.... WOW. So, I write Ben a note about that. And then stupidly leave my notebook there.
Liz and I have to babysit. And I got emotional and was about to cry when my phone rang. I KNEW it was Ben. And I knew it was too early for it to be the "I've made it safe" call. He was 4 pounds overweight and couldn't go that day. GREAT. So, either he has to get a waiver and will leave the following day, have the same graduation date, and all. OR he leaves the following week. I really wanted him to leave the next day, because I knew I wouldn't be able to handle an entire week of waiting... all over again. But either way.... I have to say goodbye for a third time.
I get lunch, my notebook, and leave Liz. I head up to the recruits' office and wait for him to come back from the gym. We leave, head home. He has just enough time to eat, shower, and cuddle a bit. And they call us. He got the waiver. And we need to be up there in an hour. We go up there, mom drove and dropped us off. I cried in the office. And felt really dumb.
Mom and I went to the mall. Went and got some cards to send him. And went to dinner. Then I came home and he called. His roommate this time was just there for a physical and had his cell, so we got to use the entire hour. That was the fastest hour of my entire life. And the most heartbreaking.
So, this morning I get woken up at 8:39am by Gunny Jackson saying I need to sign something so they can ship it off by 9:30. Sooooo... I threw on a bra and some shorts and headed up there. I signed it. He gave me another "Parents' guide to surviving Marine Corps Boot Camp." I sat in the car and cried while reading it. Then we came here, I started writing this and Jen came home. Mom and Jen decided to go out and invited me. Then, while we were out, Gunny Jackson called again. There was another document to sign. So, we run up there. I sign it. He gave me stickers. He told me to make sure to write him. I've already written one, and am about to write another when I am done here. He also said that Ben might get a chance to talk to me before he gets on the plane. So far, no call.
It seems unreal. And I know it will for the first few days. Then it will hit me and I'll break down. Ben said I only get 2 weeks to mourn him. This is the hardest thing I've ever had to do. I miss him so much already. I am so scared. I'm having horrible money issues. We have no money and a bunch of bills. I don't know what to do.
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[08 Sep 2007|03:08pm] |
My husband leaves for bootcamp in about 36 hours.
We have the rest of the day today. 24 hours from now, he'll head up to the Drury in down by the stadium. I'll run to Pizza Haus and meet him there. Really, I'm not supposed to go to the hotel, but his recruiter is letting it slide. Then at 10, he has to be in his room and ready for bed.
I'm going to visit Liz, because I don't trust myself going home. Then at 3 am, Ben wakes up. He'll get ready. He'll go to the federal building, get weighed in and all that good stuff. A little more waiting around... and they'll fly him off.
For 13 weeks.
3 months.
13 weeks... he'll be almost completely out of contact.
I'll write him CONSTANTLY. But won't get much back.
I'm worried and scared.
I've cried so much already. I don't know how much more crying I can do.
I'm numb to the pain right now, anyway. So, I don't think I could.
This doesn't seem real.
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[26 Aug 2007|05:41am] |
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I've been sneaking out your back door
Since I can't remember when
Thinking about the world I didn't know
(And how I wanted in)
But now I find I'm in the thick of it
And feeling so alone
I'd take the chance, just one more chance
To get me anywhere
It's like I'm running down every road but home.
I know I'm running
And I'm moving too fast
So here we go, oh
And where I'm headed to
It's nobody's guess
So here we go, oh
So here we go, oh
I saw the map like any other would
Looking to find and follow lines
That led me to question
But I can see it in the symmetry
It's what was really always meant to be
The singularity is clear from a distance
So I'm dying here to fall in love with home.
I know I'm running
And I'm moving too fast
So here we go, oh
And where I'm headed to
It's nobody's guess
So here we go, oh
So here we go, oh
Staring into mirrors
Lost in my design
Believe in dreams and wait for signs
You will always find me when I run away
So I will not slow down
Until I make it back into your arms this time, oh
I know I'm running
And I'm moving too fast
So here we go, oh
And where I'm headed to
It's nobody's guess
So here we go, oh
I know I'm running
And I'm moving too fast
So here we go, ohh-a-woah
And where I'm headed to
You don't have to guess
So here we go, ohh-a-woah
I'm headed home, ohh-a-woah
I'm headed home, oh
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[03 Aug 2007|08:11pm] |
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I can't even write anything in here anymore. I don't trust anyone. I don't even trust my own damn emotions. I guess all it boils down to is I'm lonely.
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[31 Jul 2007|12:22am] |
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Oh, just so you all know...
I'm getting married tomorrow.
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